Been a good season this time around thankfully, a relief actually. Last three were the worst three in the last half cebtury, regretfully. Smiles all around no frowns, happiness inside. Kindness in our eyes, emotions with no disguise, honesty. Yes it has been good for me. Now i feel the time has come for a change, i have had enough of crime, i now think its finally time. To be fair it has been on my mind, i am making the decision to stop smoking crack. At last, some may say, but we are dealt the cards and we play our way. I have played my way right from the time of maturity, naturally. There are decisions that need answers if i am to achiieve my goal, put into place actions save my soul, exaggerration, i know. New Year, new day what can i say. This time i have no outside forces, this is on me, time for a life, socially, enough of the Howard Hughes lonely. Made a plan will do wall i can, this is the start of me.
Normal kind of day. Up early with the workforce and parents taking kids to primary. Had a glass of water with a spoon of bicarbonate of soda stirred in, twenty mins before breakfast, though I don’t do breakfast, usually. Usually have bicarb in, now it aids my aim for alkaline inside. As well as being used for every day stuff, certain times. About 11a.m I saw my friend, he came visiting unexpected like, not seen him for a bit so it was nice. Finished work early, recovering from a great xmas do with work, acting cheery, it was nice, he is a good mate, one of a special few I have, we sat down, he is mad. Recalling his works outing the energy he carried was enlightening, happiness spreads like a virus, and. I extracted as much as I could while we interacted, joint decision to play xbox, racing. Acted, like a pair of kids, cept we chose to smoke some drugs first, racing. F1 2011. After a couple hits my heart was racing. We went shops got some beer to bring us down and started racing, we were laughing, and even joking, then a bit of smoking, we were making it last. Then we finished racing and he went home, my teens went out it would be a long thing. I emptied the washing machine and put out the washing. Then I phoned for a bud it was by now like early evening. Made some porridge had a bowl every thing was groovy, lit a big fat doobie, it reacted with the crack I had smoked earlier. Slightly zoned out but cant stop talking, lay back to relax back up walking. Around trying to do any thing to keep busy, when I find an activity worth doing I realise I cant be bothered so I crash down with my feet up, cut a long story short I was truly fucked. So what I go to bed and put on the sony headphones, listen to a movie. Then even with my ears fully covered I thought I heard a knock knock on my front door, look at the time on the laptop it is 6.34 in the a.m. Peep through the window its a crack friend. I wave at him to go home behaving like a man should at this time of the morning. Yes you guessed I told him wait while trying to keep a yawn in. At the door I asked what he was here for, getting two one for you, I said come in and made a phone call. Five minutes later he is going back through the door, he topped a cup with Jack Daniels before he left. I am in my room with a stone drinking liquor, another ordinary day and night, xmas could not come quicker.
Christmas is around the corner as is said round are way spelt as is spoken. The air in the atmosphere has changed, same but rearranged, now xmas is used to explain any pain, inflicted, santa wont bring you owt straight face its business. Children are excited, a walk round the super store confirms it, kids all asking, with the knowledge it might happen, mighty different from knowing it wont happen, once a year, its heaven. That is the difference, so throw in some snow, and hear me go, “come on, man, its xmas” to my advantage, I am always on it, phsycological warfare out there, come on bro, you know, “i am all over it” Let me tell you how that story goes. Call it stuck on automatic, xmas is a time to grab it, have it, use all that experience and knowledge, yo, some of them brats is still really in college. The mind is a place where you better be aware because you will be left behind, in the wrong brain a mind could go insane, I got this one. Its ok. Anyway I see it as fun, not as if it only begun, yesterday. Top up that weed, that aint a ten, its xmas again, come on man its xmas, on it? Every fucking thing is xmas, no games, invested in this, committed like a politician in this, where is my present in all this, xmas kiss, xmas wish. Shopping with a xmas smile, soon be xmas gets repeated most times, always with a smile, sharing xmas, watching kids oblivious, ride that positive energy the vibe, take care. It is not always like this back home inside, now its bliss, not just the kids. Last year this time their world was shaken, we all got touched by that one, life aint easy, know that one. They moms was in a bad place I tried to hide it from their face, failed miserably, anyway, this year that is history, like a special treat we are complete, we are good. Xmas time is fun round here, today I had a beer, well a gin, and diet tonic, I enjoyed it. Xmas. Another day, another year, it is xmas, whatever it means it is still xmas, like it is just for the kids, but its for grown ups too, what are you gonna do, now it is xmas?
Woe is me, but my choice to swerve dealing with feelings, aids my reluctance to confront misery. Oh the hurt and abuse that accompanied times of my youth, just gets so confusing, if I choose to put thought and emotion into finding a shelf that comes with owning. So I am moaning and smoking and swerving my baggage, me and my drug have some kind of marriage. Times when I want to up and leave her, and get down and love her, and all in a day, so want to leave yet so want to stay. The times of just going through the motions as years flow and wind ending in oceans, familiarity of contempt yet stay living together, miss out communicating, not at all clever, but this is a marriage, stay forever together. One becomes two so no longer thinking things only affect you, thoughts have to consider not one but two. Choosing marriage is a thing some of us do, partner for life, feel brand new, like finding the other half of you, making you fully complete, somehow true. The strength of dealing with the past is hopelessly lost on me the man, and deep down I do understand, if I want to I can, but shying away and hiding is easier than. Facing up and “being a man” Smoking has me on a master plan. So fucked up, a bitchin’ shame, its cool, its every day, its around the way, it’s what it is, to use a millennium saying, just saying, its “fuck it” living in the shit of it, woe is me.
Don’t look down at me, call me a crack head, lay down in my bed, but I need my integrity. I will never bow down, the truth is the best of me, morals are ninety per cent of me. Yes I smoke crack, but I will never turn my back, I need you to know, a yard dog straight attack, my bite makes bones snap. Cant use me, abuse me, laugh through me, absolutely, fine, not a crime to stand and be proud, be loud. My morals stay intact. I fear not that I smoke but call me a thief or a mug, prepare to croak. Some kind of joke, ha. Pride comes before a fall, like the man who rushed and jumped over a wall. Not realising the thirty foot drop on the other side, keeping me sane is my intense sense, of pride. I am alive.
“I know” my automatic response, not out of disrespect but I am aware of the situation from both sides. We walked side by side to the cash machine and I listened as she recounted her side of having a son addicted to crack. I was not sure whether she knew if his problem was sniff or crack but I know it is both so when she pointed out he is different when he is on that stuff, I nodded and replied, “I know”. We have had enough me and his dad, he changes but bites our head off if we try and talk to him, “I know” I felt like a broken record. Tonight the son has left not long ago, I tried to explain to him that his parents care and do not mean to sound condescending but he quickly pointed out that because his mum cant operate without a bit of whizz, (amphetamine) she therefore has no right to tell him anything. All I see is the destruction of a family unit due to the addictive nature of crack cocaine. A shame.