QUICK TO ANGER, WORK TO DO

I am not the mind I was when I was younger, I have evolved into a man of peace. I am on a journey to unknown destination. I am happy and secure in who I now am. I have a single vice in that I some times smoke a stone of crack. Again I am not prepared to apologise for that, I don’t hide the fact, that is where I am now at. Now my brother arrived at mine at the weekend with his wife, my ex girlfriend and the mother of my first child. I have forgiven him after not speaking for fifteen years. Every visit he comes with beer and weed but has the cheek to look down on me. I don’t smoke every day it is not feasible, wouldn’t be reasonable. His attitude though got me angered inside and I feel upset I let him get to me. He drinks and burns weed every day that is his way I don’t judge. Why though does his opinion matter to me so much. While he was here I got a visit and earned thirty quid in a matter of minutes. Ten pound cash and a twenty pound stone and while I obviously always smoke alone something made me smoke it in front of him. A stone lasts around ten minutes and then its gone, not much fun but my mind doesn’t change like alcohol or weed that makes me sleep. Crack has a bad rep but everyone is different. I only smoke a stone when I can my only other vice is cigarettes but you can bet, he will call my name. He is the one with dark patches under his eyes and terrible skin probably from all the drinking or staring at the screen from his working. As soon as he walked in, it began, his way is the only plan. I reacted and am gutted that I did, let myself down getting angered. Who is he to judge me, I am here for my kids and no matter what time of day or night it is I am forever ready for any situation that arrives. Smoking crack don’t change my mind or my body. I have my hit and then back to daddy. Basically I feel I let myself down by letting him get me angry but that’s is a part of me that I will work on. Anyway its off my chest, I will strive to be the best, man I can be and I don’t know if that means stopping smoking but for now I keep on toking, when I can afford it, which is not very often. Around two or three times a week I get one, oh well we all have a cross to bear.

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