The summer started when my boy returned from Liverpool a month ago, ish. The weather has been uncharacteristic, hot and hotter with the odd shower. Odd behaviour accompanies the heat, gunshots, thefts, arguments, and while life unravels for some I casually step from stepping stone to stepping stone, mostly in control. Feet as light as a dancer, skipping across the rocks while only slightly splashed. To begin with I choose today because this is when the thoughts appeared, because I have just smoked half a stone, not because I smoked it but because I have not smoked it for a while before today. Just got half a stone for phoning up for it and done it quick, bam. Glad its gone, cant feel it much cos of the weed I am smoking. I woke up without a penny to my name, nowt new there. Two tea bags made a cup of tea. Money has been tight so I have not had a stone for a week, the past month my usage has reduced dramatically and now when I look in the mirror I can notice the change. My cheeks are back as is my forehead’s natural shape. There was a temptation at one point where I put it down to me being easily led, that was in a school report once. A while back I would be asked two and three times a day to get for some one, or another source was at hand and I was just a boy that couldn’t say no, I smoked often. Then as one by one these people drift away I find myself having less. One person is in the hospital on a detox from booze, brought on by trying to come down from smoking stone before work. Another person got a job and only pops in once a week on a Saturday, yes he left before. I can only afford to buy once a fortnight and that is what brought me to this post. I can say I don’t want to smoke it no more but as soon as I get paid things change. I don’t smoke it for days at a time and I accept it easily, I just get on with life. I say it is a stupid drug to smoke because you only enjoy it for a moment and then it is over, except for the extreme feelings of aggravation. Habit, I am in the habit of buying it and I heard it takes a month to change a habit.

Managed to get into it with some guy last week, don’t ask. Call it a case of mistaken identity. Got birthdays coming up that are significant. Children all grown up, 18, 20, it is crazy to picture the days past. Both independent and living life, I am blessed although I have been through it with my girl recently, but we are strong and coped together. Have to mention my magnificent neighbour who came to the rescue once or twice, it is great having good neighbours and I have some of the best round here. The world cup began on Thursday from Russia but it lit up last night when Spain and Portugal clashed, Ronaldo banged in a hat trick including a last minutes free kick of stupendous quality to equalize for Portugal in a 3-3 draw. Great game. We have a new addition to the family, a cat, Timmy, but I call him T.I. H is a fun character and loves to play, he is loved by my daughter and I have grown attached to him.

Stopped post 3 hours ago as thoughts dried up. Back after some stuff. My boy is twenty today and his sister and I have been teasing him since early. He has tolerated us with good grace cos I know we were trying to be annoying in a family way. Not letting him get too big for his boots studying at university and that. He has a lot to feel proud of as it happens. I just went up to ask how his day went and we had a good talk. He leaves to go on holiday on Monday so I asked about his packing as a ruse to go in his room. His first words he tried to get out were that I was not there to ask about his case, so aware. Nevertheless we had a fun talk with his sister in the doorway listening. To hear he has a desire to travel to South America at one point was interesting and when I suggested he go on a gap year I ended up answering the question for him, is that for people with money? He nodded rather than try to talk, in his mouth he had an ultra violet gadget probably for whitening teeth. Then I told him that working your way through university builds character. There comes a sense of achievement when you have had to do it all on your own back, I added. My way of saying that’s life when you come from working class roots. He has the body of a super athlete as he attends the gym five days a week, he studies sports sciences, and manages to keep a part time job going with a company that allows him to work in a store in Liverpool and then in Manchester when he is on holiday. He makes me feel proud as does my girl for different ways.

When I woke I was skint. There was no way I would ask my boy for money on his birthday so I constructed an idea and accepted my situation. Always I am running out of milk, or teabags, tissue, electric. This is how I live, on the edge, close to chaos but not chaotic in the slightest. I have faith in my system and enjoy the worry I some time come close to, it is always worse in my thoughts than the reality. Today I was in a bit of a squeeze though. Milk, bread, and the electric would go at ten o clock Monday a.m. unless I top up the meter beforehand. No cigarettes either, yep it was going to be a long weekend. Earlier this afternoon I cleaned, washed, fed the cat and then completed my daily Sudoku. My brain was focused and positive as I stepped into the bright sunshine overhead. Round the corner I managed to get a bud on bail till in the week so that was a result. I traded some of the bud for tobacco and papers and I was happy for now. The afternoon was spent talking to my daughter and watching football. Till that guy came and I got half a stone. Food around five nothing special but I noticed I looked healthy and knew it was cos I had not been smoking as much lately. I wrote about it earlier in this post. Well after stopping writing I stared at the telly. Then about an hour ago a knock at the door and quick I make three stones, door knocks, first lad wants another, I sell him one of mine. A tenner for every thing I need till payday and a couple of bits. As I write they are on the table untouched. Got burn weed stone cash and confidence that life will go on. I love it

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