LIFE IS LIKE THAT- HEROIN

I am happily taking a 2ml subutex daily, after a crazy couple of weeks taking heroin. Life is unpredictable and that is part of the joy of living. No matter how bad life seems at times, there is always the possibility of better times ahead, some never make it, some do, but the possibility is always there. I have been clean from heroin since 2010 and in my mind would never have a problem with it ever again. Ten years I suffered with a gear habit and never liked being addicted. After selling drugs for fourteen years and reaping the success that accompanied the increased wealth life decided it was time for me to experience the other side of the coin. My weakness was the female flesh and once again I was drawn in to a seedy relationship, which led to me smoking heroin. When it was time to stop before I lost all my money and my sanity, I could not stop smoking the heroin. Not because I enjoyed smoking but because I could not function without it, every time I tried to stop I realised the damage I had reaked while selling heroin. This drug really takes over your being like having an evil presence using the body that used to be yours. Stop using heroin I decided, I am going to lose every thing if I don’t quit, I told myself sincerely. Cold turkey is not a meal, it is when an addict comes off drugs with no help from medication, I attempted to go through cold turkey more than once. There may come a moment during an addiction when the mind is stronger than usual and I used these times to help me kick.

Every addict has a reason for trying heroin at first, some enjoy being addicted, I used heroin to come down from E’s and also to heighten the ecstasy experience. After a few weeks partying I knew I had to stop smoking from my own supply. Right I will lock myself up in my bedroom and kick. My then partner decided to join me which I later learned was never going to work. Alcohol, weed, vitamin c, cigarettes, a few painkillers and I am attempting to get a week clean. When I say that I have never known a worse experience in life, I am serious. I know of people that suffer from serious illness and they are worthy of sympathy but gear is self inflicted. The feelings that occur to the mind and body when waiting for heroin to exit the body are a world to themselves. So many different things happen together and separately, there is no relief, for one sleep is impossible, use alcohol, sleeping pills, nothing works. Sweating profusely all of a sudden, uncomfortably wet to be followed by instant cold, freezing the sweat that covers pimply goose bumped skin. Stomach pains, and for me the worst part, it is as if your veins are working independently, causing arms or legs or both to spasm uncontrollably. Not painful but so horrible to lose the limb would be a godsend, trying to lie on the arms to stop the flicking out does not work. Another part of the withdrawal includes yawning, your jaw aches through yawning, widely, tears flow from your eyes constantly, the whole body cannot settle into any one place. Constant moving around is part of withdrawing, and the whole thing goes on for a week at least. After two days the energy that you had is gone. Moving is an effort that is not worth trying, tiredness from lack of sleep is another symptom. All the while the body is going through the motions the mind starts to play tricks. Blurred vision comes with delayed time, every minute takes half an hour, time drags so slowly and I would wonder what the hell is happening and what does heroin do to a persons body if it takes so much to get better. I am four days into withdrawal when my partner looks at me suffering and I look at her and we both descend into maniacal laughter. It hurt so much to laugh but when we finally stopped laughing we gave in and bought some heroin. It was too tough. 2002 my dad died and inspired me to ask for help, I asked my younger brother and he had a mate that locked me in his house for a week. I had food and stuff but no meds, I did a week cold turkey and went back to mine proud of myself only to do what every addict does, thought I could have one bag and not have another so not building up a habit. I had one bag and was back on heroin. The thing is that when your mind feels strong I would attempt to kick, but when I failed I never knew when I would feel the same strength to try again. Sometimes it can take years because every failure takes a little out of you. One time I was ready, I asked the kids mum to have the kids while I lock myself in mine for a week. She was taking the kids to stay with her sister for a week. I remember going in on a Sunday night with one last bag, I smoked the bag on the Sunday, and Monday began to feel the rattle start. I really went through the wringer so to speak, it was unbearable but I was determined to kick so nothing was stopping me. At the time I lived in a house and at the side drug dealers would tell punters to go to the back of mine as there was a dark alley at the back. So I am withdrawing while hearing people scoring outside, not ideal but positive thinking had me sticking to the program. Wednesday I was crying and asking the Lord for forgiveness and help, tossing and turning I suffered all day, but locked in safely. Thursday, my mate at the end of my road would be scoring but I don’t care I am doing this to the end. Around two o’clock in the afternoon I heard a key in the front door, the kids mum was back having fell out with her sister, she just wanted to grab a few things from my freezer she said to me. No thoughts just instinct saw me head out of the front door and start shuffling down the road. Clothes hanging off, no energy to lift my feet they dragged along the floor, my face weary and unwashed I must have looked terrible. I knocked on Robs door, he answered and the look on his face said enough, “Rob, I need sorting out mate” I sat down and smoked the heroin he offered. I had no intention of giving up but as soon as that door opened I was gone. I had probably got through the worst but this is how heroin gets to you. Eventually, I spent every penny I ever made from selling the stuff, karma at work, and I knew I had to lose every thing to gain my freedom. After ten years I did it. Switched to suburtex and been on them ever since. So the other week when I decided to stop taking subby I was not thinking clearly, I acted on emotion. I spent twelve days on heroin and most of the time my arm was twitching, my bones were cold, my mind worried that I would not have money to keep from being ill. A reminder of past days and a wake up call. Life is like that.

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2 thoughts on “LIFE IS LIKE THAT- HEROIN

  1. Thank you for your journal of descent into a hell of your own making. I’ve never done heroin, but the thought processes and feelings you went through are familiar to anyone who has tried to stop a destructive habit.

    Of course the physical agony is unique – your descriptions have taught me exactly what it’s like and it is truly a nightmare. You’re much stronger than I could ever be to go through such excruciating withdrawal symptoms.

    I hope you can get back to your regular subby treatments now that you’ve seen again what lies on the other side. We humans just can’t resist trying to control things that initially give such pleasure and then turn on us and make us helpless in their grip. For me, it was only the psychological part and even that was hell to escape.

    I almost expected something like this would happen after your kids grew up because your self-discipline was powered by your concern for being a good father. As that “job” ends, you’re left without a clear purpose and that’s when we start sliding into the self-indulgence that leads to trouble.

    I think you’ll need to find a new purpose, new plan, new goals to order your life because when just floating along day to day it’s too easy to slip backwards, lose progress, let ourselves be “bad” because we’re bored with our lives. Boredom has been my downfall – I have to stay busy with some project or goal to keep myself out of destructive behavior.

    I wish you strength, endurance, and courage in your struggle to straighten out your life again.

    1. Thanx mate, the withdrawal description was not from recent times it was ten or more years ago. Recently when I stopped my subbys I did feel a bit of withdrawal but before it got bad I used heroin and then continued for twelve days till I got my subbys back on prescription. I then had to withdraw a bit from the heroin before I could start subbys again. I am ok now but would never keep a heroin habit as the past experience was enough to keep me off it for life. You are spot on when you talk of my kids being my job and now being at a loose end. Exactly, I do need focus and goals and I will sort something out. I am happy to have your input and concern, thank you Zyp, I am well and I hope you are as good as you can be, peace

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