NOT THINKING

There are times when I am choosing, usually when I am drooling, totally lost my cool an, picking up the phone on instinct, never giving my brain a chance to think, and I am talking to my link. Asking him to come and see me, “how long will you be?” that’s me. These are the times when I function automatically, crack is not a friend to me, and I know it, so why do I do it? It is just habit why I am using, I am so used to doing it, plus its very easy. Make a call and that’s me, it really is too easy, and I have nothing to replace it, I should maybe have a biscuit, and a cup of tea, lay back on the settee, watch a little TV. Take tonight for example, sat on my jacks watching a game of football, all of a sudden make a phone call. Not giving myself a chance to think about what I am doing, who do I think that I am fooling? Most of the time I know that I am sick of smoking, no joking I have been doing it for way too long, and now it is just a habit that I have to break. I heard it takes three weeks to break a habit. Sucking your thumb or being an addict, a habit is a habit. One day I am gonna smash it, but first I think I have to have a plan, to beat it, I think I can defeat it, after all I kicked the heroin, kicked that shit into touch, thank you very much. The crack is not the same though, I go a week or two without quite often,  when I cant afford it, when I have to pay my bills, and without it you are never ill, just the opposite. Instead I feel really good, having no money is a blessing, getting lots of rest in. Tell myself “you know what? I think I will keep it going” feel my confidence start growing. A few days later I get paid and I have no bills to pay, no matter what I say, I see me picking up the phone, and ordering a stone, “what the fuck am I doing?” I was supposed to be stopping using, but it is the same old play recurring, next thing I am burning tenners on the foil.

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