Every so often I come across a feeling such as the one I am feeling now. It does not come to me often but when it does I wonder how, how I manage to cope with being forever on my own. The dynamic in my home has been changing since my kids became full grown. I used to be forever available day and night and enjoyed my role being teacher provider assistant and guide. Plus in a way it gave me an excuse to hide, from the world at large, I am something like a hermit. Some shallow people say that I deserve it, but truth of the matter is, this is how I choose to live. In the beginning on my own with the kids I used to get depressed, used to being out on road twenty four seven, I was never in. That was then.  After a year or two I got used to being on my own with my kids, what a way to live.  By default I realised that I was born to be alone, me and my kids no trouble in the home. No arguing, no accusing, no sleeping on the edge of the bed, I used to hate that with a passion. Both too stubborn but you live together so you stuck in this game of love, not talking to each other, one hoping that the other would begin a conversation, to me that was dumb. It would make me want to run, never to return, they say you live and learn. I did by accident when the mother of my kids crashed and burned, all of a sudden it was my turn.  Two of the cutest looking babies you will ever see, by the way they looked just like me.  They needed me to raise them or they would end up in care, cos there mother was not there. I was a mess at the time, I had a habit on heroin, but never did a crime, unless you include dealing. At least it was better than thieving, I leave that to my customers, in a way endorsing. I would never force them, to buy my drugs, but I showed them love, I was a gentleman. Everything had to change from the time I was on my own with the kids, I had to find a better way to live, and I did. It took a month to finish off my stash and switch off the phone for good, I guess that’s the power of love, some never understood, but from then I was good.

I loved looking after my kids right from the start, it did something to my heart, where it used to be ice cold, there unconditional love began to melt it, I know cos I felt it.  Like I said at the beginning I would get lonely, but that was the old me. Every relationship I had ever been in involved arguing and screaming, you probably know what I mean and, after being on my own with the kids I was breathing, even when they was teething, I felt a freedom.  Eventually I realised I had been put here for the reason of pleasing my children. I answered every question that they ever asked me, I climbed trees played ball, they really did task me. School homework and the real beauty was they learned my philosophy, you could say they was the boss of me, but every thing they soaked in came from me, real beauty with nobody to dilute it, with their own misery, my kids were free. I gave selflessly. Never let them see me down, let them be children, never let them see me frown, let them be children. You can tell I really love them.

So the feeling that swept over me of loneliness and misery will never hang around too long. That is because I know I belong on my own. I picked up the phone and called my boy at uni, and after he talked to me I felt like a different person, the loneliness was gone, and my life goes on, blessed…….


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