Damage Cycle

The damage we suffer ultimately damages others who come into contact with us. Of course this is not ideal but that is how the cycle of abuse works. I think that my childhood woes are impacting on my children and although that is annoying that same damage stops me from fixing the problem. I have no heart. I heard one of my older children say he wants to be treated like the two I was raising.  I understood what he meant but was unable to grant his request as he never came to the house anyway. Something his mother did many years ago stopped me from bonding with him and we always had an awkward relationship. I have an older daughter that I do not talk with although that is mutual. We used to be closer even though her mum tried her best to keep me out of her life but we are alike and argue a lot. The problem is that I do not care and I know that is not normal. I have not got the ability to really love without fear. I never allowed anyone to get close enough to know me for fear of what I don’t know. Even the two I am raising and have given my all to could be in a position whereby if we fell out and they left I would not have enough feelings to try and mend the situation. I think I loved them unconditionally because I had to but I know I would not be affected if they left on bad terms. That is heartless but true. I can sense it to be true and some may believe that it would be different if it happened but I have always known I am damaged. I think that is why I have been able to get by these last years without a partner because I knew I only hurt partners with my lack of trust and lack of love. I must have been badly hurt as a child to be like I am. In the past I have been in relationships and I was afraid to show weakness so if someone ended the relationship I would be reluctant to show I was bothered so just moved on instead of fighting to repair any damage. I have been told I will end up on my own and that may be true but so what. My children were innocent so I did not fear any mistrust so loved being with them but any adults were treated differently. I had a little argument with my boy yesterday and I realised that if he left I would let him go and not be bothered and I was reminded of who I am. My heart has turned cold many years ago but I realised I am still the same. The damage received many moons ago still affects me today. I am putting this down because I need to put it down. It is what it is.

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