I  am an addict, not for the first time in my life. Whatever reasons made me the person I am I do not know. What I do know is that I have always been addicted to one thing or another over the years. Looking back I think that the addiction that really pissed me off was when I was hooked on the weed. Maybe because I was younger and did not know too much about addiction, but my personality changed and when I looked t my friends who also smoked weed I seemed to be the only one who had a problem with it. If I talked about my problem I was usually dismissed with the words “its only weed” I grew up playing football nearly every day. I was fit healthy and fun loving. Then after a few nights where we all put our money together and had weed sessions, I began to buy the stuff all the time. Going out became a problem, I wanted to stay indoors and smoke weed, and just mong out in front of the tv. When big nights came up I would get dressed ten or more times before giving up and staying indoors. I remember once making my way to the club in the city centre and struggling to walk inside although all my friends were inside. I did not feel that my clothes were “right” so I ended up going home. That is not what I used to be like, I was the person who did not care about anything except getting in and finding a girl. Now I am scared to walk in a club. Weed did that. I became miserable. I lost ambition, drive and my zest for life. I could not get out of the hole I was in. When I had to go out I thought that I looked inadequate, I would change my clothes time and time again, a shirt may not hang to my liking so it meant trying something else but I found fault with everything. I was paranoid to the extreme. Just months before this could not have been a factor in my life because I grew up poorish and never had the best clothes so I was well used to just accepting what I had. Now the way a shirt hung became an issue. Yes weed was a nightmare for me but it did not kill me. I just became that person with problems but I got by staying in the house a lot. Not ideal but I just carried on in paranioa mode. I became used to the new me and still lived some kind of life.

Eventually from there I ended up selling heroin and still smoking weed everyday I managed to function enough to sell the drugs I needed to, it was easy to deal with the people involved because there was no behaviour to adhere to like a proper job would need. I began to make money and the job of selling drugs brought me some form of adulation that helped my paranoia. My self esteem grew because I saw myself as a business man that was doing well for himself, I worked for myself and had no boss.

Basically no matter what the addiction I just carry on and get used to whatever state of mind I am in, ii grew up sad so if I was miserable it just seemed normal. I don’t know if I have a point to this post except that if you hear weed is safe well it depends on your nature.


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