Free From Responsibility

The freedom to say whatever I feel to say. Nobody can tell me I should not write this or that, no way. My life happened to me and only me, my brother as I recently discovered had a totally different experience than me. So I do not have to protect him, he has a cool control of who he is and is most happy and that pleases me immensely. When we were young, we had no other sibling to turn to than each other. I felt a responsibility to look after him while hating that I had to look out for him. When going out with mates I was told to bring him with me, “what?!”  I wanted my mates to be separate from my home life totally. My lies were my cover and protection and I coveted my outside life. Nonetheless I would always bring him, (no choice) We spent a lot of time together growing up and I will ask him for his memories soon that involve him and I.

As teens we got into a few scrapes together, thinking back, a large gang fight was organised on my behalf for defending my brother. Actually I saw him crying in the youth club, we were 15 and 17, he would not tell me why but I saw his girlfriend with a boy and put 2+2 and got 5. I approached the lad and we got to fighting. He was affiliated with a biker group and promised retribution the next week. I was in my element as back then I was popular and knew a few heads so we were ready. The following week we all loaded onto buses from Hulme to Burnage. I was proud to have mustered up an army of about twenty, all ready to fight.  When the buses arrived there was around ten heads from Burnage that joined our gang making our squad appear healthy, and it was really. We walked to the youth club with orders from the main heads telling all that running is not an option, we stay and fight. Runners would be dealt with later. The adrenaline and the fear combined to give me a heady kind of rush, I stayed in the second row behind all the six footers, taking it all in. As we neared Royle Street, a few members began to from the group and by the time we arrived our number was more like twenty. Fortunately the lads at the front were all six foot and black so when we saw their crew come out of the youth club we were shocked to see around forty leather clad biker tpes spread across the street in front of us. I was ready to run but heads at the front were shouting things like ” stay together, don’t run!” I was in two minds I cant lie, fear was getting the better of me, I wanted to run but I didn’t, I stayed as their crew ran at us, a few of us were about to run, you could sense it, but voices from the front insisted we stay put so we all did. Then when they saw us ready to charge it was they who turned and ran. War screams pierced the night air, whoops of delight that we won the war by making them run. We all spent the night in the youth club having fun. Later I found out that my brother was crying because the girl had finished with him, that night and was going out with the boy. Plus she let him know and that’s when he began crying, That’s right folks I defended him for crying cos a girl dumped him. The repercussions of that night was a few mates began attending the youth club and one friend ended up taking my girlfriend, ironic, hurtful back then but no tears, we are totally opposite. Plus as I was walking through Burnage on my own as I often did, I came across a group of about four of the leather boys, I got a hook planted on my jaw and threatened revenge though I never ended up telling anyone about the punch, till now. It took a while before I realised that I had to let him learn on his own, crazy that I hated being around him at times but felt an inner responsibility toward him. He mentioned that I used to bully him and he would tell my dad who defended him and made him feel safe, madness but good that he felt different to me growing up. He said I took all the heat but it was different for him as they protected him from me, so he is more stable and comfortable in himself. He is more easy going whereas I am suspicious of everything and this affects my ability to have relationships with people. Crazy that I only learned this last Sunday.

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