Circumstance, Who Knew

I  grew up an ordinary child in an ordinary hood, basically  I was trained to be good. Overweight, a little chubby mixed race little kid, insecure you could tell by the things I did.  Every Sunday I was sent to church to learn about God and Jesus, my dad did his best to raise us. On his own cos my mom cut out when I was three, still a baby, so I suppose my dad really saved me. A Jamaican in a new world from what he knew, he kept us and pushed on through. Thankfully we were not put in care, to be fair he could of quit on us as a lot of dads do. I guess his love for us was true, me and my little bro knew and were grateful that’s for sure.

He tried to be a middle class member working to pay a mortgage, talking all English instead of Jamaican patois. So we were raised to be respectable. Like the Huckstables. I talked well and was pretty good at school although I still sometime would act the fool. The change began with the first stepmother, she was wicked to me and my brother, my dad must of needed a lover. He went to work and left her to work on us, she had no love and she showed us the meaning of evil. We had to cope with this upheaval. Kept away from my dad who was working most nights its like she kept us out of his sight. Torture and humiliation became our norm. I learned to hate in a real deep way and once in it always stayed. Lucky for us she did not, she up and left all of a sudden, we were so pleased and also relieved, don’t know how my pops felt. For a while we stayed with friends of my dad but it could not carry on for long, not fair, we ended up in foster care. To the home of a priest and his wife, we had to adjust to a new way of life. Every day we had to pray, Thursday we had to attend Bible class, Sunday we had to go to mass. It was different that’s for sure, but we had food galore. Big house with another family that were fostered as well it was a different kind of hell. It lasted for a couple of years till my dad got a new partner to watch over us. At first she was a buzz.

Aware of what my dad had gone through I did not want to cause him unnecessary grief so I always behaved. I tried to be good but I was playing up at school and I did not know why. Mixing with the naughty kids getting into trouble, disrupting every class and acting the fool but at the time I thought I was being cool. By the end of school I failed every exam, I did not care this is who I am. All through the summer though I realised I had wasted all my knowledge so I put it right in one year of college. Three passes but I needed four to carry on, halfway through another year and then I was gone. Into the big wide world to see where it would take me. A couple dead end jobs cos of course I made a baby. It was not long before I became a statistic on the dole, unemployed that was Maggie Thatchers role for me and a few million more, had me asking myself “what is it all for?”  Then came the Moss Side riots and after that there came a change. All my friends got caught up in a new game. Straight heads were getting involved and making proper money, we were attracted like flies round honey. Never before had we had the chance to make proper cash, I jumped on board hoping this thing was gonna last. I was not a bad person I did not have a criminal past, but selling these drugs I just couldn’t pass. I can say that once I started in the game my whole life changed. I saw myself as a business man and not a gangster, low profile strictly undercover. I began to do well and recruited my brother. The thing about the game is that it begins to take over your life, and if you aint careful it will take your life. Plus it isn’t easy it is constant strife, 24/7 it becomes your life. Sometimes you cant be nice, its just the way it goes and what may happen nobody knows. You end up living with regret, doing stuff you don’t want to do. But if you don’t its you who is through. Chasing glory I could tell a million stories, and one day I intend to, but for now im through.


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