What a game I played last week, I was amazing, even If I do say so myself. The game is life and I made a few changes to the way I usually play. Not 100% sure why I decided to try a different way but the new album by Game had a part to play and an acquaintance also had an effect on my decision. He was so out of order that I thought I would get clean and return the non favour someday. Whatever the reason I ripped the house phone from the socket and broke it before realising that I had some important numbers saved in it. I began an exercise routine that involved running on the spot, with headphones full of Game, documentary 2 + 2.5 playing loudly. I involved stretching, shadow boxing and light weights. I spent two hours before bathing and I felt great afterwards. I think my new found health gave me the power to refuse crack when I was paid. I think that if you feel physically strong it gives your mind strength also. Anyway I had two days when I would usually have scored a couple of rocks and I didn’t so I was proud of myself. I did not mention it to anyone because I did not want to give anyone false hope. The hardest times I found were the evening and night times as they seemed to drag. In the days I was in my garden preparing another plot to begin more growing and planting dwarf beans and beetroot to add to the potatoes that I have already begun growing. To be knelt down in the soil getting things done is strangely rewarding, I find. I mean the soil I am using was once an overgrown grassy patch that I stripped back, weeded, cleaned stones and all kinds from and then turned it over till it was a tidy even patch of soil ready to begin growing stuff in. I feel good just looking out the living room window at it. Anyway it fills my days when I have nothing on, the nights are different but I got through them anyway.

I have had an on off relationship ongoing since early this year. It is awkward beginning something new at my age as I have spent a long time on my own. I am suspicious as well which does not help but that is how I am so when I would project my doubts my “other half” would stay away for weeks at a time and I would not phone to find out why. I actually felt more at ease when back on my own. I would have times when we may be watching tv and I would feel uncomfortable having someone at my side, strange as that may seem, so I would try and make the other person feel uncomfortable too. This is usually enough to make her leave and not come back. Eventually though she would appear at my doorstep and the time not seeing her would make me glad to see her. Funny thing is we get on really well and are of a similar age. It seems too good to be true so one day I turned up at her house expecting another guy to be there or something negative anyway and was pleasantly surprised to see all was normal. Eventually a few weeks ago I decided to drop my guard and accept her as my girlfriend and stop doubting her. Then on my birthday on the 12th Oct, she said she would come round and I have to admit I was looking forward to seeing her. I spent the day with my children and enjoyed myself but at the back of my mind I was expecting her to knock on. At the end of the day she never came round and I was so angry after letting my guard down and all. I was hurt a little I wont lie, actually I was so angry that I decided I had had enough of relying on other people for my happiness. The next day late at night she showed up at the door with a story and when I pointed out that I deserved a call or word to let me know, apparently I scared her with the ferocity I used to make my point which made her leave. Fuck you I thought and that was that.d

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