HEROIN, NASTY HABIT

Too many reasons to mention plus the result is always the same. That first bag will take you into dreamworld. Warm itchy paradise behind closed lids. The thing is though that it only happens once. Every bag after the first will not bring that initial high back. You will feel good and may nod off into a land of painless fluffiness but the original high is gone forever. After trying my first bag one night I began trying a bit in the middle of the day. I had access to lots of the stuff as I sold it for a living. I knew the dangers of heroin as I had friends that were addicts and I regularly saw the misery it can bring. After that first bag though It seemed as if the danger of becoming addicted came second to trying to get that feeling back. I had just come out of a relationship and It had hit me hard. I realized that I was unable to hold down a relationship, I was damaged and I had to get used to the fact. This was the one partner I wanted to spend my life with but I blew It big time. Crack played a part but mainly it was me that couldnt get used to being part of an even couple. I could not accept and could not get used to it, I can not be told what to do so when asked to do a simple task like make a cup of tea I would spend the day worrying if i was being taken advantage of or not. My stepmother told me what to do in a sly way knowing that I would behave out of respect for my father. As soon as a friend knocked on for me she would all of a sudden find cleaning for me to do. Not just wipe a side or move a cup but get a bucket of soapy water and clean the skirting on the stairs. Honestly, it was torture living with her and my dad to be truthful. Although my dad worked away a lot leaving us with her. At first we were grateful to her as her being with my dad meant we could come out of foster care. Then money began to go missing and the atmosphere would be terrible in the home. My dad never stood up to her and made excuses for her behavior so she had free reign to carry on being nasty.

I suppose I was vulnerable at the time and the new girlfriend was a part time smoker of the gear so no help came from that quarter. A few times I screwed up the foil and threw it away when i realized what i was doing, but it was a matter of time before i had a habit. Again this was pretty much covered because i had sold gear for over ten years and could never smoke more than i sold, the profit had been paying for my crack habit for a few years so a bag or two a day was not going to put a dent in my business dealings. Once or twice my girlfriend and i had attempted to kick the habit we had acquired. Although i had been around it for years i never really knew what it was that i was selling, until i had the habit. Just trying to stop was an eye opener in itself. We locked ourselves away with all the supplies we would need for the week ahead. Now I really  found out about this brown powder I dealt with for a living. So at first it was good as we were on our last bag. Then later that night the gear started to wear off and “it” began. Where to start, well all of a sudden i had buckets of sweat pouring out of me and the feeling is of being extremely uncomfortable, weak. Just as quick I went freezing cold and felt horrible, this is just the start. Time starts to play tricks about now, and you may get the feeling you are in a kind of dream that does not move. The senses come alive and everything seems unreal and it made me wonder what damage this drug does to my insides. Making matters worse was my girlfriend who had started complaining that she needed a bag. I had to fight against my desire to give in and help her be strong also. The night time drew in and one thing about coming off gear is the fact you can not get any sleep while withdrawing no matter how tired. I tried to drink lots of brandy thinking it would knock me out but nothing will work you will not sleep for days and days. With the night comes the worst kind of uncomfortable imaginable. Explaining the feeling that makes yours arms and legs twitch uncontrollably is difficult, like having snakes in your arms and trying to lean on the arm to help stop it doesnt work. Bowels that have been locked down due to the gear begin to function and to the bathroom you go, vomiting also occurs at this point. So you are going through hot flushes followed by bouts of being freezing cold, your skin usually looks like a chicken full of pimples due to the hot and cold. You feel horrible but the thought of water touching the skin or anything touching you makes you cringe. You smell through sweating profusely your eyes stream constantly, your stomach aches your jaw is constantly stretched to breaking point as you cant stop yawning. The energy that you may have had is gone and every movement is painful effort. The twitching or twisting that goes on in your body has to  be the worst part of doing a rattle, as we called it. Your arms and legs kick out and it feels so bad i cannot explain, i tried to lay on my arm to keep it still but that doesnt work. Three in the morning of the first night and it is only just starting to register how bad this gear really is, really is. A lot of people say that if a couple are both on gear that you will never get off the gear. That being said my girlfriend decided that she couldnt carry on and angrily i let her out and carried on with my rattle. My mind imagined all kinds wondering where she would go to get some gear. I had bad stomach cramps and curled up on the floor in tears due to the pain. No strength to move i lay on the floor sniffling and desperately feeling sorry for myself. 24 hours in and i could take no more. Six or seven days is enough to get the b out of your system but it takes weeks before you feel as one with your body. I must have looked horrendous as i shuffled down the street with the gait of an old man, nose running eyes watering and smelling to high heaven. A once proud man who would never leave the house without getting ready no longer had the desire to look respectable. Making my way to the end of the street and around the corner i knocked on a mates door and got myself a bag of heroin. It took a while for it to work but once it is in your hand you begin to feel a little better. A similar pattern began to emerge after that first time trying to kick, I would regularly feel the need to kick this drug and would attempt to detox at home, sometimes lasting a week sometimes a day or two but i would try. All the while i was still selling b to get by until the day i was sat in my car waiting for a fresh ounce. My girl sat in the passenger seat as i phoned to see where he was, when he answered she shouted for the dealer, a good friend, not to bring it as i had a problem with it. He asked if it was true and i  told him it was not a big problem, i never saw him again for at least ten years so now i have a heroin habit and no way to fund my habit. Why the fuck did you do that Sha? Thought she was helping me she replied. Heroin was needed everyday and every night to just stop being ill, not to get high as it would now take about three bags to get that feeling of being smashed, just to not be ill. Why the fuck did i have that first bag i often asked myself. I was now in a situation where i had to ask certain people for gear and at first i could pass it off as being for my girl but it was only a matter of time before word got out and spread. He has got a gear habit, he is a smackhead, no way, seriously have you seen him? I will try and go through times when i had that habit to warn of the dangers of H

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3 thoughts on “HEROIN, NASTY HABIT

  1. I had started to write a reply but it disappeared! So apologies if it pops up! Thank you for sharing this, ppl need to know that you are forever chasing that first time ppl need to know it creeps up and has you sooner than you think and ppl need to know how hard it is to kick it! Ain’t nothing glamorous bout H and crack!

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