The past week has been so intense. I physically felt sick, my stomach hurting constantly. It lasted for days, earlier on the same. I found myself super down at one point and had a bad feeling all over me. I would question myself but become confused. I was scared of the future. Literally scared, i have felt that something is going to happen to me for a while. I have said it before that something bad is going to happen to me. Although i think i have paid my debts i am not sure, never sure. I lost sight of a few things so found it difficult to maintain perspective for a while. That is life i think, endless ways to create situations galore. Throughout parenthood i have always tried to keep a little bit of me, me. I am a parent and treat my station with the care and respect the position deserves. Still though, i have to keep a bit of me alive, never too risky i dont think but that is the selfish part of me. Some would say as long as the kids are in no danger and i would agree wholeheartedly. My definition is realistic to where i live. Not one particular thing but how the day has woven has helped me fill in the missing parts of my puzzle.  I can see clearly now.



One thought on “REMEMBER ME?

  1. Regarding: “Still though, i have to keep a bit of me alive, never too risky i dont think but that is the selfish part of me”

    Is it a part of yourself you want to keep, or a part of your past you don’t want to let go of?

    I’m still working on redefining my life goals and priorities since getting sick and there are so many parts of the “old me” I don’t want to give up. It really feels like “giving up”, but it’s more like a “giving in” to the new reality of my life.

    Who are we really, if not a sum of all the experiences we’ve had in life? Does that mean we fundamentally can’t change, or just that it’s very difficult? It does seem to require some overarching goal that leaves no room for the “old self”.

    But we are also much more than just our experiences. There is the “self” that experiences the thoughts and feelings we have.

    Who is that “self” talking to us constantly, telling us how we feel and how to think, the one behind all that thinking and feeling? I think that’s our true self, the one that rides through all our experiences while remaining a remote observer, impervious to the pain and fear of our bodies and minds. Perhaps this is the soul?

    We are at an age where more experience + self-awareness = deeper questions.

    Thanks again for being willing to open up your life to us in all its complexity. You really make me think (and that’s a big compliment in my book!).

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