Merry Xmas

Happy faces telling me how they and their families open presents, what in particular they love about xmas and wishing me a happy xmas. This leads me to begin thinking about xmas where i live. As  i sit here it is raining outside, i noticed earlier on today that it does not feel like xmas at all. I have put a tree up and a few decorations as per usual but i  dont have that feeling. Xmas is about making sure i manage to give my children what they desire, or what they feel the need to have due to peer pressure or good old fashioned advertising. Fortunately for me i recently changed my method of being paid from weekly to monthly with the aim of cutting down the amount of crack i use. This means that i will able to pay for the items i have to buy easily enough, thankfully. My mind wanders to how the actual day will be and this brings thoughts of the mother of my children. I recently told her i would be going out on xmas day for dinner, something i have never done before but because we had not seen her for a while i thought that the day would be a bit miserable for the children without her coming over. She then assured me that she would come on xmas eve and stay till xmas day night as is the norm. In the past she has arrived on the morning and not eaten much, drank a lot and left after dinner, sad, once arriving drunk and sleeping most of the day so i really want to avoid that kind of situation but the kids want to stay home and have her over so that is that. Since she came out of detox she comes round to see them less than she has ever done. She made so many promises that now she is back drinking she is worried that if they see her drunk that they will give up on her completely so she stays away. I feel desperately for my daughter as she so needs a female influence in her life right now but i am totally helpless. I begin to worry that my sporadic use of crack is like the ultimate letdown to my kids, now nobody will put them first enough to give up their addiction, how must they feel? How will it affect them in the future and why are they not precious enough for me to quit altogether?

Xmas should be a time for celebration and to reflect on Jesus and how lucky we are, but it is almost the opposite in my home. The children get the material desires fulfilled and the tradition of the day, presents, cooked breakfast, turkey for dinner (i am a very good cook) and so forth but apart from a prayer at dinner there is no spiritual relevance and they get the added drama of how their mother will be on the day. Merry Xmas i am  ending this post sooner than i want,


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