xmas is near, damn

Xmas is nearly here so with that in mind i made sure i applied for a loan early and today got confirmation of success so one thing out the way. Next week i will put the tree up, i go by 12 days before and 12 days after it comes down. Always done it that way. It is  annoying to me  when people have a tree up too soon, but to each his own, yes? Anyway i was wondering about xmas dinner and with the mother of my children doing a disappearing act i thought that she may not be around at xmas. Thinking that it may be a little bit quiet with just me and the two kids i suggested to them that we have dinner with their mums family, she has four sisters and most would be all at one house so more people for my two to interact with, it would be more festive. I pictured mine as my two in  their room till dinner then going back up after and thought it would be miserable for them. We were all in the living room discussing who would be there etc, and we decided we would eat out, not something we have done before as i usually cook and their mum helps out. So i phoned the mums sister and let her know we would be coming for dinner and it was done.

While on the subject of xmas my boy mentioned something that he wanted and i told him to ask his mum for the cash so he could order said item in time for crimbo. On an off chance i called her mobile but the past three weeks she has not answered her phone or visited her children so i did not hold much hope for a reply. As a matter of fact since she came out of the detox she has hardly been seen which i secretly fear the worst although i would never say that in front of the kids, obviously, it would upset them after the promises she gave them that things would be better. So i am ringing her phone and surprise, she answers, i pass the phone without speaking and tell him its his mother. We are aware it is her payday tomorrow so my boy begins explaining things, everything seemed ok by the tone of the call. When he was done talking i asked to speak to her and when she began the conversation by telling me that i annoy her sometimes, not seen her for three weeks, i knew. Every time she has a drink she hates me or dislikes something i may have done twenty years ago. I asked if she was drinking and she says she has relapsed and that srtwas going to do a home detox next week so she does’t let her kids down at xmas. I admit i felt sick inside i wanted to cry. Not for her but for my kids. I tried not to give anything away because my boy is in the room but i told her we were going to her sisters for dinner. She began a rant about she does not want to go to Longsight and that she will be round at xmas as she always is but i had not heard from her so made arrangements. She does not want her sisters knowing she is back on alcohol is all it is to her but judging by a few xmas past when she has ruined it for them i think i would be better getting them out of the way.

Everything was going so well with our family till this and now i am in a kind of turmoil. I dread my girl finding out as she will be so upset as will my son. I know about addiction and there is no point blaming anyone, all you can do is minimise the damage to the kids, at 16 my boy still loves his mum but before the detox he would not talk to her and she said her main reason for doing the detox was “to get her son back” talking to her so i dont know how he will react but i know he will hurt, as for my girl who just loves her mum  at 14 she will take this hard. I do not know what to do, it is really sad, and annoying.

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