My problem with crack is the fact that it costs so much for so little. I cannot afford to buy crack and that is my problem with it, when someone else pays i can enjoy it without guilt tripping. I know that it is not an ideal situation, far from it but then what is ideal? A parent that enjoys a few cans of beer after work each night or the housewife that likes a bottle of wine in the evening. Maybe the husband that seems the ideal family man who sleeps around at the weekend when he is on a lads night out. Or the parents that “only” smoke a weed cos everybody knows that weed is ok. Yeah that skunk that really fucks with your brain. I am a lone parent and i can say right now that not one night has gone by (cept 3 months Nov-feb 2006-7) since my girl was born that i have not been in the house available. I do not go out clubbing, not once, i do not drink alcohol or smoke weed. If say my brother calls round i will not say no to a spliff if he has got one, he always has but he calls once or twice a month on a Sunday afternoon. I have not had a girlfriend since my daughter was a baby, when i say that i shock myself but after having a stepmum that my dad never stood up to i will never allow anybody to enter my life. They are both grown now so would not be negatively affected if i were to have a partner but i have been on my own for so long that i cannot even imagine that right now.
Yesterday, my daughter informed me that she wants to be treated as a young lady as opposed to a kid and my son has not long left for college and when i said i will be out between 1 and 2.30 he told me he is in till 4 and that after college he is going to town to (wait for it) look for a job. Where did that come from? He went to pick up his certificates from his old school yesterday, 7 Gcse passes, if that has anything to do with it. I was shocked and proud and really really pleased. I mean you do your best and hope it is enough cos even the best raised kids go off the rails. He is 16 and at college, and he is looking for a part time job, how cool is that? When i was 17 at college i dropped out and my dad never said a word and i blamed him for a while for not pushing me harder or at all in any way. We were actually talking about similar things, my boy and i, at the weekend so maybe that has something to do with him wanting to get a job. Regardless with all that he has seen and been through with his mother and everything i am just glad he is a sensible young man. He lived with his mum till the age of 11 although she lived on the next street and we were with each other every day, until she stopped coming home at night and leaving him at mine. After a week or two of this constantly happening he asked me if he could move in with me and his sister. He must have been devastated cos he loves his mum to bits. Boys and their mothers. I was also stricter and he knew he would get away with far less but still he wanted to come. He had had enough of being let down. For a little while school were concerned about his attitude but after a few meetings they kept an eye out for him and soon he was back to “normal”. With all that and the fact i am not your average parent he has had a lot to cope with so to see him today i am pleased for him. I am truly proud to call him my son.
The fact that i changed my payments to monthly means that for the past two and a half weeks i have not spent a penny on crack. The money all goes into his account when payday comes around and i told him that i will be keepin 40 for myself. I had to explain that every man has to have something that is theirs, whether it be gardening, a drink at the weekend or chasing girls to make themselves feel relevant. Unfortunately my thing is having a smoke and as long as i am not spending money i shouldnt then i will continue for the present. He suggested i buy clothes or get a girl but i wasnt budging so he said as long as i dont smoke it in the house. I immediately agreed if that made him able to deal with it then it is done, obviously. I never lie to my kids i just try and make my case the best way i can.
40 might seem excessive but it works out at ten pound a week, once a month. I still get D calling every now and then so i still get the odd smoke here and there but our money is not being wasted. I do not feel guilty. I could smoke a stone and within 5 mins it is gone and except for the smell you could not tell i have had anything. I dont act weird or need a sleep or anything. Its gone and that is that, there are no strange abnormal behaviours that come with it. Maybe i am damaging my health but its not a regular thing and no more so than the man that smokes cigs and drinks or smokes weed.
Anyway today i feel great. D came this morning and got me one. My kids are both doing good at this moment in time, i really feel blessed. I do less drugs now than at any other time in my life, i am happy and feel blessed. A very fortunate fella indeed. I am going out for a short while but glad to have expressed myself on paper, so to speak. I dont have anybody to share my good moments like the boy going for a job of his own accord and my daughter confiding in me when i was a little worried about her being in her room all the time.She is like a butterfly that has just come out of a cocoon if you know what i mean. Times like now i wish my dad had lived longer to see how they are growing. GREAT DAY, THANX IF U READ THIS.