MIXED, RACE TO DISCOVER

I wonder if it was just me that had identity issues when they were or even now is anyone going through that time when you think about who you are. As a mixed race kid growing up in a black area i never had any inkling i was anything other than black. Plus i lived at home with my Jamaican dad and my mother had left him to it with me and my brother. So i had a slight grudge against white women from the start. This helped me reinforce my blackness at the time. Anyway, eventually our family moved from the edge of the ghetto to the heart of the ghetto. One white stepmother had been and gone by this time leaving a memorable impression. Now in my early teens i was adept in the ways of acting in a way to deter attackers from trying to test. I had it locked so i only had a few fights as a teen. I won a few and lost a few, not soft but not a hard nut either. I loved reading Enid Blyton in my own time, every famous five book written and loved nothing better than a sandwich a warm cosy room and a new book.

I heard the phrase “nigga” a lot more as a teen and would be in fights because of it. A bit older and i am in a blues which is a house party where alcohol is sold and a sound system would thump out reggae till the morning. My mates and i would usually find one at the end of the night so i am at the kitchen about to order food when i got in an argument with a girl and she said “fuck off you no nation pickney” I do not remember much after it was many years ago but the phrase stuck. I went over it the next day and i decided that i am not black i am mixed race, Jamaican descent. My kids know they are mixed race but it took many years before i realised myself, crazy innit?

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2 thoughts on “MIXED, RACE TO DISCOVER

  1. You made me think of an experience I’d long forgotten – being called a “Nazi” when I was a kid, because we’d recently immigrated to the U.S. from Germany.

    Fortunately, neither of my parents had any involvement with the Nazis, whom they despised as the lowest form of humanity. Though I knew with absolute certainty that those kids were wrong, I was still overcome with inexplicable shame each time.

    I was just 5-10 years old and learning English, so it was glaringly obvious I was German. I probably sounded just like the faked German accents in the ubiquitous WW II movies.

    My parents didn’t talk to us kids about the war, so what I knew of Nazis was mainly from television shows and movies and remarks from the other kids. I sensed the deep loathing Americans had for Nazis, but I didn’t understand how this related to me. Still, as part of the assimilation process, I subconsciously internalized this disgust, and connected to myself.

    I still can’t understand why I should feel shame just for being born in a particular time and place, even if it’s into a culture that spawned such evil. Yet, on some level, I still do.

    1. its mad what sort of things shape us into who we are, even stuff we dont agree with. But i am guessing you know now well u just explained it so yes. You are here and aware how the world works so blessings that we are both here overcoming all obstacles. Thanx for the response it helps my perspective, cheers

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