BEAT

Finished media homework with my daughter. Made dinner and washed dishes so just goin to sit down and watch tv. These are the times when i want to smoke crack. On my own, kids are upstairs so boredom kicks in. Put some of the kids old clothes on Ebay hopin to make a bit of extra cash. No bids so far but i only just put them on so got  to give it time. Filed in all the forms for sons college and put all the paperwork they need to assess how much money he is entitled to receive. Yesterday i spent too much on my own selfish pleasures so as per usual i have bills to pay and i am in arrears with nearly all of them. I wish i could get some help but it is something i need to do on my own, apparently. When i got off the heroin i transferred to a medical substitute which i still take daily but with the crack there is no substitute. It is just a matter of recognising how much damage it is doing and then responding by finally saying NO. Sound easy? Trust me it is far from it. I have tried many ways to no avail. I will go a week without touching it then when i get paid i end up binging with no ability to refuse one more, just one more. I will then be on a downer for a day or two and this is a recurring situation. Hate, confusion, guilt are just a few of the emotions that come into play.  I pray daily and try to be a good person in every other way but the stone has got me at the moment. I dont know what to do…………

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