Changes

Friday night. Took care of daily routine. Children fed and in bed. Not asleep I can still hear them upstairs.
So I was determined to quit this everyday thing I have got caught up in. All I need to do is stick to the plan. I am aware that I have been lying to myself regarding crack. Selfish, and potentially damaging for my children for although I only do it after midnight, they are both aware of my past addictions and would generally have an idea that something happens in the night.
It is time for me to stop for many reasons. I told D earlier  that I will not be scoring for him anymore. He spent 80 this morning with the intention of it being his last hurrah. We parted wishing each other good fortune for our adventure to come. So why the hell did I phone him as soon as I know he was taking his wife to work, she starts a night shift tonight. To begin with I asked whether he intended coming mine as he was on his own. He was incapable even if he wanted to after drinking 5 budweisers. Right “no problem mate, I will see you soon, bye” I tried to convey a straightforward demeanour. I put the phone down and thought, “what am I doing”? Not just for myself but after telling him today that it was over I have given him a reason to phone if he gets desperate. Why do I only think after acting. I wanted a stone and thought if I call D he may come round and buy us both a stone. No regard for him trying to begin his rattle.
While I sat pondering my addiction I was not surprised when the phone rang and D said he’d be 15 mins. I tidied up the table so when he called from the cash machine round the corner, I was ready to make the call.
‘Do you wanna phone them, I am at the cash machine” he said, “order 6 white I will be there in a min”.
I called them, overjoyed. They were mobile so would be at mine in 5. Excellent, don’t have to go out. Dreams of quitting were banished from my thoughts. D arrived shortly followed by the 6 w. Three each, Yes! Love a smoke on Friday or Saturday night. Anyway we talked and smoked and laughed till the stone was gone. I asked if he had a bit of brown to smoke to bring us down. He had not brought any with him because he was driving? So he drove to the cash machine and gave me a ten pound note. “Get yourself a b, I am going to get off ” he said. After he left I bought a white which I am chilling with now. After its gone though I am going to make some changes.

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