It’s done. I said previously “if I can’t say no  its cos I love it more than life”.

Well yesterday and today I was unable to keep the cash. Yesterday was lost to the stone. Just one in the morning is all it takes to ruin a day. In many ways. I retrieved a little part of the day late on. I needed a weed spliff to assist in the process of bringing mind and body together where the body feels capable of coping with the demands of my mind. I have a project of sorts going on at the minute. Well, out in the garden I have a tree stump that is buried deep. It’s coming OUT. I told my girl and between us we reckoned that I could or should have it out by last day of August. My only tools are a hoe with the handle snapped in half, and a scythe, a small one, mainly used for lowering my grass as I do not posses a lawnmower. Last month my brother and I gave it a nice low cut. Edges, everything. I just keep the grass low and try and dig around and under the roots of my stump. I wouldn’t call myself a gardener exactly, but I enjoy being out there doing stuff.
That was a little of the day I was capable of functioning adequately . The time was late on, around six in the evening when I went outside. The Stone usually insists on taking up your total day. Your mind is unable to hold a thought, best to be indoors quietly waiting for capability to allow functionality.
Today began similarly on waking, being woken, phone, D. Anyway, back at mine, had to pop out,we are smoking. Eventually I tell him, he knew, we both knew but until now it hadn’t been voiced.
He told me that he felt really bad every time he left. He knew the situation he was leaving me in but still he carried on using me, he was aware and sufficiently guilty. The drug, the pull of the drug.
To begin I told him this weekend, well from now, I will not score for him. Regardless, he has four bags of gear,I suggested he smoke them all today, get wasted and wake up ready to begin. Twenty four hours later, will be badly in need of another bag. Take first tablet and slowly over the next twenty four hours increase your intake till you have twelve mills in you. Then bring yourself down, daily, two mill drop each time. After five days when you are down to. 4 you will be at the end, basically. Thats’ all she wrote, you are on your own. Now this is the part that scares him because we both know what it is like to withdraw from heroine but seriously, coming off subutex is a different animal altogether. Last time I did it, two days and two nights without sleep, cold to the bone and no energy, total lethargic. Spasms in the arms on both nights. Uncomfortable, indeed but compared to coming off gear it was NOTHING,believe me it is the easiest way to get off gear,
I hope for his sake that he manages to conquer those demons. He has so much to look forward to if he can do this rattle. I may have made it sound easy and physically, it is. The thing is though that sometimes, you may want to stop but are unable to. There are times when your mind is weak and no matter how hard you try to quit you just can’t. Then there are times when you feel you know “this is it” and you don’t even have to try hard. That is the time when you are ready. The thing is that it could be six years or more from one moment of positivity and if you don’t do it then you may have to wait years before your mind comes back to that place of positivity.
I have put my cards on the table. If he turns up ill, I will not be getting for him. At least that will leave him with the option of beginning the detox or trying to get for himself. He is well capable of getting himself, he is no mug, been around years. It’s just that,now he is working and holds a position of responsibility, he doesn’t want to get involved to the point where he and the dealer know each other. He would rather use me as ago between, and pay me for the privilege. So hopefully he will make the right choice.
After two days and nights he will complete the detox by crushing a 2ml subby thereby losing the blocker, and snort it in one go. He should be totally wasted and when he finally wakes up his rattle should be over.
Finally, I get my time back. It really becomes difficult at times, to turn down a free smoke but once you notice the negativity creeping in, you need to be strong with yourself. I am feeling good because I explained that I will not be involved anymore. We both know where we stand.
Don’t know what will be happening today, it’s raining outside. Gotta go chemist but that’s it for outdoors. I know I will be relaxed that’s for sure, and that is good.


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