relapse

After 27 days i thought i had it, people were rooting for me to succeed, i know there were people waiting for me to fail as well but hey, anyway there i was glowing in the warmth of success. I had taken steps to safeguard any lapses by giving my cashcard to a trusted aide. So i am walking to the chemist with nothing in particular on my mind when i go past the bank and lo and behold it is still open, 3.55 i thought it closed at 3.30. I find myself at the counter asking if i can make a withdrawal without any i.d. Anyway 5 mins later i am heading home with £29 in my pocket. I had told various people that i was done with it and i would not be going back to it yet here i was planning to score. Was i fooling myself or just lying when i said i was done with it, cos i actually believed me when i said i was done. When i awoke that morning i had no intention of scoring it did not cross my mind but now there was nothing that could stop me from getting one of each, where did all those good thoughts go?

I had to lie about where i was going, sneaking around i scored and took it to a house nearby. Once inside i rushed the whole thing which i did not used to do but i had to vouch for my time so i didnt really have time to enjoy. Then i am washing my hands and face and gargling with warm water and heading back home to the kids. Two teenagers who were proud their dad had finally made an effort to quit. As soon as i stepped in the house i must have got too close to my son who said “MOVE, your breath stinks” God obviously wanted me to get caught. Then came the downside…….. feelings of letting others down, remorse, shame etc why did i even tell anyone i was trying to quit.. why didnt i just get on with it,? Motherfucker, it was bad seeing the hurt my actions invoked in others, Motherfucker, i missed N.A meeting that week cos i didnt want to admit to failing and my body took about 4 days to recover and to think i didnt even enjoy the experience, i didnt plan it things just happened. This thing called addiction will ruin everything let me tell you…………

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